Be My Val for Every Other Day!

Today is Valentines Day - that day that countless people all over the world celebrate love. Tantiblow woke me this morning with love on her face, she said "Today's is just another day happy in our life, we should be celebrating love everyday..." Hun!?!@# Even though its already too late, it was nice thing to know that she was not really expecting chocolate and roses today. As always, I had already made plans for something nice to ensure that that smile stays there until...

I didn't see the usual buzz of events around my office today - perhaps the entire team is also growing old, many of them are suffering the same fate as I in previous vals. I am hoarder, I keep all sorts of mementos - cards, notes, letters, objects, etc. The wife was churned when I showed her a soiled Meridian napkin, and she was shocked to learn it was from our first night as man and wife. :-) sorry, I cant help it.

My sisters Stella and Angela also didnt fail to call in to say Happy Vals day... Stella's mail had some satiric advice concerning love, but the lines that caught my eyes the most was -

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

It made me wonder, how many heart skipped a bit on my account. To borrowed someones slang, How many people have I "Woowed"? It made me wonder what happened to all the girls I have loved before now? Where are they? What are they up to? Oh No, I am not about to spill beans... not calling any names, not just for their sake, but I will also like to see another Vals day. So what Happy Valentine times can you remember? Mine go way way back....

The first of cource the first girl I ever fancied -I must have been 5 years old. She was my seat mate in pre-school. After been picked up from School, darting around the back seat of our Peugeot 404, My mum had realised I wasn't wearing my shoes. She inquired where they were and was shocked to learn I had given them to my "wife". She lost her shoes during play time, I gave her my shoe as a show of love to prevent her Mum from beating her - I must have Woowed her, then how many men would stick their necks that far? My Mum must have been Wooowed! The mistake she made was to take me along to collect the shoe from "my wife's house" - Spontaneity kicked in, and we (me and my wife) hide ourselves under the dinning table (lying on the tucked-in chairs, covered by the table cloth) it always works - adults never notice small spaces so they hopelessly searched the rest of the house for us... she went home without me... as expected, I got the beating of my life when my "Inlaws" found me and sent me home.

Then I guess the next Happy Val I ever got was when I made my first vals card, Cupid and his scabbard - drawn with HB pencil on white card board paper. I put it in her school bag cos i was too much of a wimp to give it to her myself, She must have been Woowed when she saw it at home. I called in during that weekend to learn she loved it, but things turned bad when Ifeanyi Peters gigled from the other line... cupid missed his target and thats how that cookie crumbled...

Then it was my first true love, (xxxxxxxx name withheld). that Wooowed! me, cards, gifts poems, name it - made life so exciting, something to look forward to every new day.

Val Wooowing was not always pleasant - my first Val at UNN was nasty, no babe, no money, I spent the day with the gang at the University observatory listening to music and smoking Malboro. I was truly Wooowed! Though I had been pretend-smoking before then - it was the first time I inhaled that crap, and the rest is history... well lets leave it there.

No doubt many a Val Wooowing came from later years with Bianca. but one Vals Wooowing was during my youth service, when "Jill" came tumbling down the hill - unannounced (she had told Jack she couldn't come all the way to Enugu from Lagos, so he thought the coast was clear). She was Wooowed! and so was lil missy. All I had to show for Val that year was a restless night and a deflated ego! Don't even ask how I got out of that one... at the end of it, I had learned my lesson that two-timing is bad for business, believe me, I have been honest ever since.

What happened to that wild side of me? Well every bronco has its taming day. Mine came when I met Titi and as the say the rest is history. She has loved me like no other woman could, unconditionally, and through all the tough times, she has stock to my side, and i am grateful for that. She has Wooowed me in many ways. :-) some good, some bad.

I sure have been around, given and received my fair share of Woowing, Along the way I have learned quite a lot that other couples can learn from - chief amongst which is that me and my spouse have different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. We are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together. Neither of us is perfect, but are we perfect for each other? Do we bring out the best of each other? Do we compliment and compromise with each other, or do we compete, compare, and control?

No relationship is easy, what counts at the end of the day is how much joy and happiness you can bring each others way and as Titi advices, it must not be done only on special occasion like birthdays, Christmas, or Vals day. Lets strive to make it happen everyday. For me, I know its not easy to keep up with that for too long (considering that Gucci and Prada may somehow be involved in the matter) but I promise that I will do just that... God Willing! lol Happy Vals Day to you Babe!

Everybody Say Yeah Yeah!

For most young Nigerians at home, Fela Anikulapo Kuti is perhaps one character they would rather not be associated with. I was seriously put off by one “oyimbo wanna be” Nigerian girl I met overseas when she professed her hatred for Fela. For yet another category of Nigerians (the over 35’s) Fela represents the courage, passion and simplicity that most of us lack. Fela is one man that stoke his neck out (more often than he needed to) in defence of the poor and down trodden, this fuelled his legendary Afro rhythm that inspired a nation and captivated the world.

The World? Ostensibly, Felas genre of music – aptly tagged “Afro Beat” is for Africans at home and abroad. However, you would be surprised to learn how popular this charismatic, eccentric artiste is – From experience, i know that one of the few GOOD things I hear about Nigeria from foreigners is about music and football.

In the 1989 as a naive teenager in a crowed dance floor in far away Perth, Scotland, I was stunned to hear those unmistakable “Sorrow, tears and blood” anthem from the 1978 “Coffin for Mr. President“ album. The lyrics “Everybody run, run, run, everybody scatter scatter” could have made sense to the sole African in the club, but I couldn’t help but wonder why, the rest carried on like they could understand what he was saying. My conclusion was that white people would dance to any funky beat regardless of what was being said. That was to change a few years down the line in the then popular South London Nigerian hang out called “Calabar” where I met Fela’s number 1 fan. Arnold... A blue eyed English man who had fallen head-over-hills with Nigeria. Having never visited the country, he learnt how to speak Pidgin English from listening to Fela and hanging out with Nigerians over the years. His passion for Afro Beat appealed to me, as I also have a taste for exotic music far removed from my social and political culture. But I don’t think I could have gone for all Tarrus Riely and Sean Pauls concerts, yet Arnold had not missed any Fela concert anywhere in continental Europe.

Fela Abami eba! Immortalized on Broadway!
In a classic case of a prophet not known in his own kingdom, Fela’s fame outside Nigeria is unrivalled by any other black African musician. Something his son Femi still rides on to date. Like his mother Olufunmilayo before him, The Anikulapo Kuti’s activism runs deep (Beko Kuti is one of Nigeria’s foremost civil activist). There have been several calls for a posthumous award in honour of his fearlessness in his bid to entertain, enlighten and promote our culture. Yet, these have fallen on deaf ears.

Interestingly, the main antagonist Fela sang about throughout his life and their stooges still prowl the corridors of power today. Little wonder why there has been any significant move to honor him. While we wait for our deaf, blind and dumb leadership to rise to the occasion. Other nations and organisation have imortalised this legend - recently Fela’s life and music has hit Broadway.

FELA!, http://felaonbroadway.com/ is the most critically acclaimed new musical of the season, has already received three Tony Awards: Best Choreography, Best Costume Design for a Musical and Best Sound Design of a Musical! Featuring Kevin Mambo as Fela and Grammy award winner and multi-platinum recording artist Patti LaBelle! At the US tour Mitchelle Obama was among the dignitaries at the star studded launch. Read more.

On the Issue of Nigerian Wife Killers

I recently read an article “Nigerian Men Wife-Killers In America!” on Icheokwu facade Being a fan of crime series, I couldn’t help but wonder why this was happening? The article chronicles a long list of Nigerian – American men who had decided to end their wives lives in such a gruesome manner. In the same vein, Idowu Olorunshogo’s take on the issue was skewed towards religion - typical of our myopic self-righteous Nigerian minds. But they represent both ends of the spectrum this ugly trend.
I honestly tucked this away somewhere, as an issue that could be discoursed over a few pints at any local pub until I read about a Professor Chukwudubem Okafor of Kutztown University in Pennsylvania who recently took his own life after killing his Nigerian wife.

From all accounts, most seem to blame the men. The comments on each of these articles seems to suggest this men must be mad to go to such lengths to take action against something they can so easily walk away from. As true as that may be, and as easily as one can dismiss this as something that should be avoided, I don’t blame them at all.

Okay! Before I get eaten whole, let me explain why I think the above 3 sources miss the point – begging the question why is not just enough to solve this riddle. For me, I think our society is to blame, Yes the Nigerian society. Not only the one in Diaspora, but also at home. I will summaries my points 4 broad “Pressure Points”.

1. Social Pressure: The “Quest” for husbands.
I think our society places too much emphasis on marriage so much that young girls who know little or nothing about keeping a relationship all want to be wives as soon as they get a diploma or university degree. The stress is so much that, they don’t care who he is, what he looks like, how he earns a living, as long as he has a last name they can attach to theirs and is willing to walk down the aisle. Mothers start putting on this pressure on their daughters from as young as 19. It is crazy. It is so bad, that they make these girls hurry into marriage without adequate preparation. If you want to see all the hot chicks in your town, you only need to announce that a friend of yours who lives in the United States is home to hunt for a wife.

Though I consider myself a detribalized Nigerian, the Igbo girl typifies this madness for finding a husband. If you read the articles I sighted above, one thing jumps out at you – 99% of the cases are Igbo men. While one will be right to say, “Hey, its not Igbo girls killing their husbands, its the men”, What remains to be seen is why the Igbos? Why not Hausa, why not Edo?

2. Cultural Pressure – The Old Groom
Its a known fact that Igbo men don’t get married early. Not just out of convenience, but traditionally, a youth is expected to come of age before embarking on such an endeavor. I imagine (and I am sure some more mature people will agree) that a man is supposed to build his own hut, have his own farm land, before he can be called a man, before he can take a wife. It is unheard of in Igbo circles for a man to marry and still live with parents. This is in total contrast to the Yurobas, where the family help the couple to stand on their feet. The choice of which one is right or wrong is a matter of debate, but clearly, one can see that our ancient traditions still reflect in the way we live today. Instead of changing our tradition to suit today’s realities, we have chosen to remain locked on to ancient practices that have little if any significance in today’s world. Culture must be dynamic – it is time to throw those things that don’t work away. The time and energy needed to build a hut in 300 BC is not commensurate with that of building a bungalow today. So when a man toils all his life to make a “killing” just to qualify for marriage, he will go to any length to protect it by keeping anyone from literally taking away his life. When young 22 year old Nigerian girl is shipped off to a 45 year old man in USA as a bride, the only thing that should be expected is disaster. Forget that he may not even afford her an exciting lifestyle, how much more perform his marital obligation? That brings me to the next pressure point.

3. Sensual Pressure: eSex
Sex! Love!! Romamce!!! Don’t let anyone deceive you – it is very very important to both bride and groom. Even God bade Adam with that 1st command, “multiply and dominate the land” Sex is the yardstick by which many things are measured, like an old man once told me, “When you get to the bottom of most quarrels, you would find sex”.

Whether you agree or not, sex has moved on... missionary style has gone out of vogue. In the electronic age, everything should adopt that magical “e”, we have eMail, eGovernment, we also have eSex. The young couples today have experimented with all sorts of aphrodisiacs’, party drugs, sex toys, etc. Yes, you average 25 year old has explored more shapes of the Kama sutra, while her 45 year old counterpart thinks “69” is still the number before “70”. I wondered what this Prof thought when he picked such a young wife? As a veteran, I know how important sex is to marriage, anyone should know that if she isn’t getting it from you, then she is getting it somewhere else. Some men think they can buy a woman’s love – even most young girls think they will be satisfied as long as the dough is flowing. No it may work for a while, but when the dust settles, our primordial urges takes charge. Still doesn’t stop people from trying.

4. Financial Pressure – ATM machine
The love of money is the root of all evil. Picture a couple in an abusive relationship. Imagine both parties trying their best to get the upper hand. Picture that the law of the land is on your side, and there are many qualified lawyers willing to help you claim what is rightfully yours - That is the atmosphere couples face in the west. That is why many men kill spouses. Alimony, Possession of the family home, full custody of the kids, etc are all implements of warfare in the hands of American women. Nigerian women learn fast. At the heart of all these killings is a wife who wants to punish her husband by taking away all he has worked for. The question goes to both parties - Are they right? Will my wife be right to put me out in the street just because she no longer finds pleasure in me? As a friend of mine would say “Not feeling her pee”? But what about the Naija babes that are the bread winners of their homes?

“Nigerian nurses are their husbands ATM machines...” I laughed when I learnt that one. and I didn’t believe it until I got in touch with my long time friend who was shipped off to the USA to marry someone she scarcely knew. She already had a master’s degree by the time she left Nigeria – so I was alarmed to learn she was studying to be a nurse at the request of her husband. The issue is further exuberated when you consider that most of these men feel they literally made these girls who they are – brought them out of suffering, trained them in university, etc, only to see her running away after a few years. I don’t think I will be happy to know that I was just a ticket out of Nigeria.

No doubt this kind of behaviour has lead to an increase in failed marriages both at home and abroad. Until we as a people challenge these things as a people, chances are that this is just the beginning. And no amount of prayers can stop this.

The Mad Haters Party

Preamble

On Facebook, my dear friend and long time sweetheart Ada wrote

“...it is sad when people you know become people you knew... when you can walk right past someone... like they were never a big part of your life... how you used to be able to talk for hours... and how now... you can barely even look at them... it is sad how times can change!”

No doubt she wasn’t referring to me. But her status message called for sober reflections. Those who know me well enough will attest to the fact that I often stop to ponder about everyday things in life – Religion, History, science and discoveries, Information technology, and every now and then, Politics especially as it concerns my beloved Nigeria. But this time was going to be different. Ada’s comments made me reflect on friendship and how technology has impacted it – especially in recent times.

Gone are the days when the only thing that separated two friends was geographic boundaries, even then, telephone, letters and postcards filled in as an innovative way to bridge the gap. I come from the post “baby boom” era and with hindes sight, I can attest to how these simple technologies fostered a positive bond between people. You will be right to argue that today’s technology of emails and social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter deliver a far more exciting mix of rich features that probably lends itself to better relations and bonds. But the way in which it is been used by people is crucial to its value.

How can one value technology? Valuing technology deals with how over time and in particular situations, people come to attach unique values to the tools (technology) at their disposal. Contrary to traditional misconceptions, technology is not just a physical object but a social and political phenomenon – in simple terms, technology is a result of mans creative innovation to create solutions to life’s problems. But the way in which people use the creation also goes a long way to impact the technologies itself. In designer circles, this called ergonomics – how technology incorporates social factors. A good example in everybody’s hands is how the simple telephone and our desire to stay in touch has lead to smart phones (that now incorporates all other everyday gadgets – Music, calendars, Internet, even TV).

Have we digressed? No, I just wanted to lay the foundations for my argument with technology and how it interacts with people. So back to Ada’s status message.

From the foregoing, I am not surprised that different people use available technologies in different ways. Ada's comments made me look back at 2009 and all the “Friending” I did on Facebook and Twitter and came to the conclusion that todays social networking is just a "Mad Haters Party” where people don’t get close because they want to be friends. They typically do so for two reason, and I will explain:-

1. Nosie Parker
   Many become friends because they just want to poke their nose in your business. They need to know what you’ve been up to, they want to know who you’ve been seeing, where you've been and so on...
   
   
2. Vain Showoffs
   These groups of people are mere exhibitionists who knowingly or unwittingly display an arrogant aura of vanity – They want you to see how enjoyable their lives are, How much God has blessed them, How much fun they are having, How strong their faith is, How smart they are, etc.

I may be wrong but I am sure Ada’s comment had a lot to do with negative vibe that she could not walk away from – something akin to “living With the enemy”, her whole life was suddenly undated with things that reminded her of the enemy – popups that say “Enemy is now online”, “Enemy just logged off”, “Enemy is connected to friend”, or images of Enemy in fun places. One may argue that the best thing to do is to “Unfriend them” but that doesn’t solve the problem, the laws of Social Studies of Technology forbids it – there is really no such thing as “unfriending” on the internet. – ones you are connected, you are connected!!! It doesn’t go away, it just keeps coming. Worse still and perhaps an equalizing/balance for users, is that you can also spy on the enemy. But how many of us are really interested in doing this? Like all of you out there, I do have my own share of “enemies” and I tried to understand what they were doing, why they were doing it, all in a bid to find a good way to unfriend them. And from my personal experience I don’t see any sane way of doing it without confrontation.

Gate Crashing the Haters Bash!

In the past, confrontation would mean to physically approach the enemy and tell them to their face that you don’t want their s****. Most people would have chosen to avoid this because you could only confront you enemy if you could defeat them physically, emotionally or spiritually. confrontation is not for the fainthearted. Today’s realities show that people can easily hide behind technology and perpetuate this heroic act.

Technological designers inscribe their values, rules and logic into their technology, we are therefore forced to act in certain ways when using it. The openness on the internet and its largely unregulated WWW Consortium is a glaring evidence that the internet is an open place where freedom is allowed to an ever increasing and worrying level. Why does Facebook have a like button and not a dislike one? Why does yahoo inform people in my calendar that I am online without telling me who has my name in their calendars or who is casing out my profile page? Why!!! The truth is not far-fetched - and I will elaborate in my subsequent post here.

I am really tired now, and will continue this later… See you round.

St Valentine Don Die!

I am not growing any younger... Yes! and nothing drives it home like 14th of February - Vals day। Its so amusing to watch the younger ones (and most of the ladies) run around fulfilling all righteousness। My wake up call this morning as a warning from the wife, reminding me not to work late today! "Make sure you are home on time for dinner"

My First Vals Date!
To tell you about Vals day, I will start from when early days when when in Primary School, I made my first Vals card with White Card Board and HB pencil। The lucky val was that Oyinbo Girl in my class। She was happy to get it and gave me a big smile to show her appreciation, my joy was short lived as I subsequently got a slap when I tried to kiss her to show my appreciation। That was my 1st Vals date - Explosive wouldn't you say!

The Big Red Box!
Val in University of Nigeria, Nsukka was pay time। I had learnt my lesson, Let them come to you. Vals period was brisk business period for creative minds like me. One could easily make 4 times your pocket money in one night. I remember how in school I used to make mega bucks - designing customised Vals cards for my fellow student. Mine was special, it had a big chocolate hart made of 20 Éclairs melted down to form a heart shape, Another special gift I designed as presents was a glass frame with 2 condoms inside and a note that read "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass". I was too naive to know that I was setting a trend, in fact, I should have filed for a patent for that frame cos it still sells even today. There 3 types of people on Vals day - A Roaster, Desperado and of course the Players. Vals day normally began with All 3 categories paying up and collecting their Red Boxes (A name I coined for my specially designed Vals Card) or the fire quenching frame. In those days your date always came to you - I guess they could stand the risk of losing their Val to another desperate House wife, school girl. To make matters worse, if a girl hung around her room past 7pm, she was considered a "Roaster" - someone who can not find a val on vals day was a goner, and the subject of mass scrutiny by her room mates the next day. There were also Male "Roasters" - I will come to them later. but let me mention finally "Desperadoes" - those who planed a date ahead of time only to find out she had eloped with another man.

Desperadoes!
The bulk of the money was paid by desperados - who normally came back around 7pm to change the name on the cards... For instance, If Emeka designed a card for Ngozi, only to find that Ngozi has run off to another bloke. Emeka will then scan through his options to look for eligible Roasters, then rush back to alter the names on their customized cards. Desperadoes might change the name on their cards 3 or 4 times - the mad rush was necessary as all unsuccessful "Desperadoes" were officially declared "Roasters" by 8pm. Just like the under taker, we prayed for more Desperadoes each year. the spoils of which, ended up in our pockets. After the desperadoes stopped coming, it was time to start my own Valentine

Roasters Bash!
many a valentine nights were spent in dark with loud music... but they usually began with a dinner date, maybe with a candle, and roses. Though most girls bought socks, and ties (Typical El Cheapos) as Val presents for the guys, most guys were required to buy presents, underwear, sex toys, G-Strings, Perfume, anything that caught your fancy. After the dinner, most people retire to their rooms to "Sleep it off". About this time, Male Roasters and unfortunate desperadoes would start the migration back to their hostels, Eni Njoku, Alvan, and the Onu Iyi dwellings... They'd all meet up at the local watering hole in Ziks Flats to narrate and reappraise their love life. Satiric displays, enacted to ridicule the Roasters and de-list cheaters. This was typically where the Big Chicks on campus were named, and triumphant Desperadoes identified. This would last for hours running late into the wee hours of the night with music and drinks. Before long, by 1989 this had grown into a culture of some sort, even successful couples would join the Bash before retiring to the rooms. Major Valentine Shows and acts were included to make it a must see - by and large, it masked the sorrows of Roasters, as the mingled with their Desperadoes... I culture that endures till today, the Ziks Flats Roasters Bash, remains one of UNNs highpoints every year. And I am happy to be one of the proponents

At The Peak of My Sexual Career!
You maybe wondering, did he make a career out of it? well in those days all most young men of my age lived for was "to score". It was a benchmark of some sort, and generally calibrated the perking order. At least in my troop, that's how it was. 14th February was the day I dreaded most as I would have to come up with plausible excuses for all the dames I was going to stand up. Even when you succeed at that, you had to avoid all your regular hang outs - as the last thing you wanted to do was to let Miss X see you with Miss Y. Many a black eyes and sore hearts have been broken when missy appears uninvited to a vals date - like they say 2 is company

You ask why do we have to run? ॥ Why cheat on many girls at the same time? My answer is, you probably don't know anything about Statistics and obviously flunked your maths classes. The ratio of women to men in Nigeria is well over 5:1 so you do the maths... Why I know go run

To effectively avoid all collisions and wake up on 15th with the family jewels intact, one had to be creative. The first step was to leave home or even relocate until 16th February. That way, all desperate girl will meet with no luck, trying to seek you out. The second trick was to have a air tight (water tight will also do) alabi for your whereabouts. Not to worry all the bachelors are running so you can bank on one of your friends to give you a hand. With the advent of mobile phones, this game could be very complicated. but at the end, only that special girl got the rare opportunity to spend vals day with me

I Do!
Most often than not, the bride at every alter, is a product of the last successful vals date... the only thing that comes between the man and wife is usually enough funds to consummate the wedding, so every wedding is a result of cupids arrant shooting spree. Any couple that was caught unmarried at the turn of the year when cupid was to strike again, where only marking time. It is quite easy to forget this unique ritual when you have found the right one the previous year. As a friend on mine told me today, "My husband says it is un Islamic!" I wish I had a Christian equivalent excuse to avoid it myself. Avoiding unwanted val dates took a new turn after a proposed. We very readily say "Vals day has been postponed until next year" or the one that really works is to say that St Valentine don die! Infact I have a photo of his funeral rites (see the cartoon for details). The devil was never far away - you know how dey say, "Wanty wanty, never gets it - and Getty getty never wants it!" When you say you don't want, that's when they fall over themselves to get you. Vals day from 1999 - 2002 were horrible for me, I got gifts I couldn't take home, I hid cakes in the company fridges, I hide pictures and cards at work, all from girls who knew very well this was not going to get them anywhere. It all came to an end in 2002. I had fought a good fight, and bowed out honourable having played my part in this game

Abuja 2008
here at my desk at the intelligent building, I cant help but smile at the endless "Happy Vals" I hear around me, The chips of mobile phones notifying their owners of new text messages, I recognize that smirk masked as a smile from a guy who know his going to score tonight. I noticed the little girlie hints by girls annoucing their availability to would-be prospective dates. I noticed the mad rush to buy CARDS by colleagues all in preparation for the onslaught. I don't notice the barrage of cakes raining in on my as before, I have not received any customised cards, Not even a text message. (Oh my Director HRD did send one on banknet for all Roasters - and I receive it in Jesus Name!). No corper has made any desperate move on me. Even madam has not called me her usual 6 times to surveill my movements. Yeah, its all coming back to me now... I am really growing old. I just realised that as you grow, the meaning of St. Valentines Day seems to change. At one point in time, it was a time to make make money to me. Then it turned to a time to get laid, then a time to show how serious I was with my girl. Now as grey hairs begin to appear on my moustache, and the picture of my 2 kids stare at me in the background, Vals day can only mean one thing to for me - a time to further reassure love in my family. I cant be late for that dinner tonight, and Yes shes going to get the bashing of her life. Happy Vals Day to you all.